Boundaries in parenting.

I am enjoying many things about getting older and having older kids. I was such a complete basketcase as a younger mom. I agonized over everything (just ask my message board friends - they were the only place I knew to turn for parenting advice and they all remember my agonizing). I never had parenting "figured out" before I had children because I became a parent so unexpectedly young. I was on a completely different path at the time. I knew nothing about raising kids. I thought if I was reasonable, my kids would be. Simple enough.

Ha. Haha.That's not at all how it works.

I've gone over the story 100 times by now, I'm sure. I have learned as I go - I guess we all do. But one thing that is becoming crystal clear to me as my kids get older is that I need to have certain boundaries and give THEM the ability to have boundaries of their own. We have rules and run a tight ship because I would go insane otherwise. We have many children because we have been open to that and God has given us many children. Because we have many children I could not live peacefully with children who were allowed to constantly interrupt, yell, run around like crazy indoors, be rude, or many other things that children naturally do. Especially since they are with me all day. So we have rules and try to enforce consequences to the best of our ability to keep Chad and I sane parents and to teach our children basic manners.

A couple of our children fight against these basic rules more than the others. It is miserable fighting with children. It may be one of the most miserable and frustrating experiences in life. I was reading an article earlier on how parenting makes people more unhappy. I rolled my eyes at a lot of it, but I can absolutely see that it can be miserable. Of course we shouldn't focus on the miserable parts or we will become more miserable and there's just generally nothing good about focusing on what's miserable. But can parenting be miserable - absolutely!

I have been feeling guilty lately as I am in my ninth third trimester, that I am having a hard time enjoying being around my children at all. I want to hibernate during this time, and of course you cannot do that and be a present mother. So I feel guilty simply for my desire to hibernate and the extra rest I require. I should want to be around my children and be present at every moment they are awake, right? So much of the misery in parenting comes from the guilt inherent in parenting. That has become very clear to me.

One thing I am able to let go of (ever so slowly) is a lot of the guilt. For many years I wondered if I was constantly too tough on my kids (my 1st and 3rd have iron wills so everything was a battle) and now I don't worry about that so much anymore. If they are resentful someday that I was too tough on them for requiring basic human decency out of them, oh well. I will know I did the best I could to help them not be complete assholes. Thank God my oldest has decided to overcome much of her natural bend and be agreeable and pleasant much of the time. We are still waiting on my third to come to this conclusion. Maybe he never will.

Another thing that is helping is realizing as my children grow that they will make their own choices. This helps me create more mental/emotional boundaries in areas that could otherwise cause so much agony to a mother. Let me explain...

Letting go of Audri's high school and letting her have more freedom in that area is the first area where this has become really apparent. It's terrifying. It's not something I would ideally choose, but it's her life and she's choosing not to go down the typical high school path. I refuse to damage our relationship over the next 4 years forcing her to do something she has no interest or motivation in doing. I believe she is old enough and mature enough to make this choice - many parents may disagree. But I am her mother and that is what I believe. She was not mature enough to forgo formal schooling at 6, or 8, or 10, or 12. And I'm glad we didn't! But as a sophomore, yeah. I think she can decide for herself where she's going over the next few years. She will live with the consequences of this choice. I know it is not an irreversible choice to not be on the "college path" at this point; she will not be crippled for life for it. At any time she can choose to do what it takes to formally graduate and go on to college. Right now, that is not her priority. I am at peace in that.

Another area where parenting boundaries have become necessary for me is in thinking about and worrying about my sons. A big worry of mine with having so many boys is that they will somehow be crippled sexually with addictions or sexual vices. I worry for all of my children but especially for my boys in this age of pornography. It's everywhere and the devastation porn has been to marriages and families is clear by now. Both Chad and I struggled with sexual issues and had premarital sex so we know what it's like to walk that road. When my children were all tiny I could not imagine how devastating that would be to walk through as a parent. Children are born so pure and trusting - I wanted more than anything to protect their innocence! Now as my children get older I can realize that I am doing and have done all I can to prepare them for what they will face. They are all educated on pornography and have been for as long as they've had any access to electronic devices. We use all electronic devices in family areas. We have safeguards on our computers and phones.We talk openly all the time about personal physical boundaries and stranger (or "tricky people") safety. We do not hide sexual realities from them or act as if anything sexual is shameful. We try to have a good balance with it. We have structured our lives to do our very best to protect our children from early exposure to sexual traumas of any sort - and that has been pretty extreme around here as I have kept them virtually within eyeshot of me their entire childhoods! I may be a bit overprotective.......If, after all that, they turn down the path of sexual immorality - well, that is their choice. It does not cause me the internal agony it once did. Maybe because I know I'm doing the very best I can to prevent it, and after a certain point it's out of my hands?

Yet another area where I am having to develop mental/emotional boundaries regarding my children is their spiritual life. I would love to mold and create my children's spiritual life for them. Although I am not the most devout person on the planet, I take my spirituality seriously and want my children to do the same. I want them to really love God and know how much He loves them. I want them to make going to Church a priority. I want them to always remain faithful to the Catholic Church and really love the Church. While I can do a lot to make sure they are faithful to the Catholic Church, I cannot build their spirituality for them. I cannot create in them a love for God or a devoutness. I can teach them about God and do my best to be a good, loving mother. I can talk with them a lot about how much God loves each of them and what He did in sending Jesus to die for them. I can teach them about the absolute beauty we have within the Catholic Church. But I cannot be the master of their spiritual life.

Letting go in these areas is freeing. Since I cannot direct my children's interior motivation regarding their education, their morality in sexual matters, or their spirituality it only creates stress to think or act otherwise. That being said, I will continue being overprotective during their childhood as I strongly believe that is our job as parents. But once they reach the teen years, I am fine handing over more of the reins. I really am. And that is extremely liberating.

How cleaning up a poop explosion improved my mood.

One of my children who shall remain unnamed (not Maryn) had a poop explosion after lunch. He came downstairs after lunch and smelled especially pungent so I told him to go upstairs and I would meet him by the diapers. As soon as he turned around I saw the blowout. And it was bad.

I had not been in a great mood all morning. I don't know if it was not sleeping well, third trimester moodiness, or whatever - who cares - but I was struggling. So this somewhat sent me over the edge.

I stayed relatively calm while I walked him up the stairs but then I got to the top of the stairs and saw poop smeared on the door and the rug and lost it. I started yelling and he started crying. :( We made it to the bathroom and I showered him down and cleaned him up. Sam was yelling at me as I was elbow deep in crap and getting sprayed in the face with the backwash of fecal water "MOM THERE'S POOP ON THE WALL!"

So when I was done cleaning him up and washed my face I let him play in the shower for a little while with no plug and just the water running. I come out and inspect the damage. There is poop on multiple walls. There is poop on the curtains. And oh my god there is poop on his chair that happens to sit right over an air vent and it DRIPPED INTO THE VENT OMG.

It was at this point that I knew I had a choice to make. I was a little peeved at the older kids who were continuing to slack at that very moment while doing their chores. But I know they help me a lot and I try really hard to be fair so slacking off for one morning isn't the end of the world and yelling at them wasn't the answer. Yelling in general wouldn't do any good. But I couldn't help but mutter under my breath as I worked to calm down while I scrubbed the poop.

I put the rug in the wash. I put the curtains in the wash. I put the bathmat in the wash. I scrubbed the walls. I moved his chair and scrubbed it down (it's the kind with 1,000,000 lattices - very cute but completely impractical and frustrating to scrub down). I took off the air vent and scrubbed that and then scrubbed down in the vent. As I went I realized a lot of this hadn't been cleaned in a long time (so that's where all our silverware has gone - down in the air vent! Makes total sense...)

Audri got him out of the tub when he started yelling at me that he was "ALL DONE IN THE SHOWER" (thanks, Audri) and by the time I was cleaning up the bathroom my attitude had changed. I was calmer. I realized this is exactly what God wanted me to be doing and quite literally and figuratively my attitude seemed to need purging - I could fight it or go along with it. Isn't that so much of life? So I prayed, "God, I'm doing this for you. Please remember this when I die and have mercy on me." Lol. I scrubbed down the bathroom and realized it was actually nice that I was getting all this extra cleaning done. I chuckled in my head about this being among the top three biggest poop messes I've cleaned up.

Sometimes it takes a little poop (or a truckload of it) to bring things into perspective I guess.You're welcome for not posting pictures - not that I took any *shudder.*

Maryn at 18 months

Maryn just turned 18 months old. She is such a joy! 

Here she was at my parents' house the other night. She had no problem making herself right at home.

 She found this little Native American mortar bowl my parents have had forever. They keep water in it for birds. She thought it was her own personal spa.

She's still not super verbal but she babbles a lot and will pretty easily repeat most words. She has no problem saying "HEY!" or "no!" (or just screaming :) ) when her brothers are bothering her. She LOVES playing outside and loves digging in the dirt. It is not unusual for her to need 2 showers or baths a day! :)

Dirt all over her face and hands and a sticker in her hair...?

All clean! I bribed her to stand still with a marshmallow. :)

Here she is on the day she turned 18 months old. She would barely stand still for 1 second!

Those eyebrows have always been so expressive! :)

She's still waking twice at night and will wake really early if any light comes in the room in the morning. I have the windows in our bedroom completely covered with tape and aluminum foil and then shutters and black out curtains. We are wanting to move her into Audri's room before Sophie gets here but I'm not sure how that will work as Audri's room gets a ton of light and I haven't figured out a good way to block it out in there yet. :/

Daddy really enjoys putting her down for bed at night. :)

I'm so excited to see her as a big sister and how she will react to a baby sister. She's still very attached to me and nurses before bed and a couple times during the day (and night) still. So I hope she won't be too thrown off balance. As much as I'm looking forward to having two little girls, I am enjoying every moment I have with Maryn as my baby girl, too!

Silverwood 2016!

This was our third year to Silverwood and another great one.

Such a beautiful sky on the drive over.

 

I love how Maryn is looking up at Chad in this one.

Once again, Tadhgan didn't enjoy the kiddie rides... :/ 

He went on this yellow "froggie" ride after the swing above. You can tell he was very leery.

 
I was telling Audri this is probably the last year I will be able to get away with stair-step pictures in order of age like I've always done. She was pretty disgusted by that and insisted that Carter is not gaining on her in height, she was just leaning back, etc. I think the picture below speaks for itself. ;) Lol.

We met our friends the Linnetts there again this year and had lots of fun.

Wrangling toddlers in a theme park is so fun! Maryn wanted to run wildly wherever she wanted the entire time.

 

At the very end of the day we went over to the waterpark side. It was overcast and pretty cold, but the kids had a blast anyway.

 

15 years!

Yesterday Chad and I celebrated 15 years of wedded bliss. ;)

We left at lunchtime and were gone until after the kids were in bed. It's wonderful having capable older kids, but I also asked my parents to come over to help Audri so she wasn't here alone with all the kids all day. I always make sure to not leave her alone "babysitting" for more than a couple hours, max. It was so nice of my parents to spend the day over here, too.

Chad and I went on a hike (more like a walk) around a small lake in Mount Rainier National Park. There are so many beautiful places in our state!

Almost 25 weeks with Sophie! :)

Then we drove back into town and saw a movie and ate at our favorite restaurant. It was a great day!

I wanted these verses read at our wedding because they meant a lot to me then, even as a naive 19 year old girl. They mean even more to me now. I feel so blessed to have a husband of 15 years who is still my companion and all of our children.

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor: 
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone^?
 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.

Tadhgan turns 5!

Yesterday our sweet Tadhgan turned 5 years old. For the past year he has been talking about wanting one of those cars that kids can ride around in - the kind with a battery that charges that they can drive around. He has been so consistent in wanting it for so many months and he is such a sweet child that we just couldn't say no. It will be arriving later this week; I'll add pictures of that later.

But here is his party we had for him last night!

This is a card Nathan made for Tadhgan. Notice all the 5s :D

The only other toy he requested was Hungry, Hungry Hippos and Grommy and Granddaddy came to the rescue!

They've been playing with it all day. They're playing with it as I type. :)

Here's an example of Maryn getting her way. She wanted a cup that was right next to my dad, and originally we told her no (because she would just spill it everywhere). So she pulled out this pouty face...

 

Of course he couldn't say no so he decided to hold the cup while she drank out of it...

 

 

She started asking him for it again. She calls all drinks "bawwel"

And she got it!

Tadhgan's favorite color is pink and he requested a pink cake with gold sprinkles. <3